Hi friends! Today is a pretty awesome day as it’s Stephen and I’s third anniversary!
On September 18th, 2016, he asked me to be his girlfriend over a homemade steak dinner, a bottle of Rombauer Chardonnay, and a Vin Diesel movie. Three years later, we’re as happy as ever!
Our anniversary isn’t just an achievement for our relationship, it’s a personal achievement for each of us too. Before we met each other, neither of us had been in a relationship that lasted this long. My longest relationship before Stephen was just under 11 months, while Stephen’s longest relationship before me lasted about two years.
What makes our relationship different? Well, none of my past relationships were very healthy. Most of my exes were pretty great guys, we just weren’t very compatible and didn’t put in the work to get to a healthy point.
On the other hand, Stephen and I have a really solid, healthy, thriving relationship. As much as I cherish our relationship now, when I was younger I didn’t have enough experience to be able to tell whether or not a relationship was healthy.
To celebrate our anniversary and share a little bit of love, we sat down together and wrote this Healthy Relationship Checklist! Without further ado, here are the 8 biggest signs you’re in a healthy relationship.
1. You don’t fight, you have productive disagreements.
Every couple disagrees. Anyone who says otherwise is totally full of it. Your partner may be your “other half”, but that doesn’t mean that you share a brain.
You will disagree every once in a while. Sometimes you’ll disagree on silly things, like what restaurant to eat at or what show to watch, and other times you’ll disagree on important ones- like whether or not you want to move to a different state. What matters is how you resolve these disagreements.
Do you feel safe enough to express your opinion without being attacked? Do you feel like you can disagree without either person holding any resentment or anger? Do you feel comfortable enough to be completely honest? Will you or your partner bring up stuff that has already happened and was settled in the past to “win”?
In a healthy relationship, you should always feel as though you can disagree with your partner and have constructive dialogue without it devolving into an emotional and guilt ridden affair.
2. You’re able to compromise.
This is a big one! A lot of couples seem to misunderstand the idea of compromise. A compromise shouldn’t make one person in the couple completely happy and the other miserable, nor should it be alternating times on which person is happy and which is miserable.
An example of a great compromise that Stephen and I made early on in our relationship happened when we visited Universal Studios. Stephen loves roller coasters, while I’m unable to ride them due to my heart condition. On the other hand, I’m beyond obsessed with Harry Potter, while he’s not really that into it.
To compromise, we spent the first half of the day in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We drank butterbeer and went to Ollivanders. To make it extra special, Stephen bought me my own wizarding wand and took pictures and videos of me performing magic on all the attractions! The second half of the day was spent on roller coasters. Well, Stephen rode them with his family, while I hung out on the ground and cheered them on and took pictures.
Both of us finished our day at Universal Studios completely happy and satisfied. Our compromise fulfilled its purpose as we both got to do what we wanted. I was super happy to see Stephen enjoy all the roller coasters, while Stephen was extremely entertained by my Harry Potter fangirling.
3. You are a unit working towards a common goal.
Building off of the last point, healthy relationships don’t have a “me vs. you” mindset: they have an “us” mindset.
When making decisions throughout your day, are you taking your partners wants and needs into consideration? Do you do what’s best for you, what’s best for them, or what’s best for the relationship?
This is something that Stephen and I still struggle with to this day. I’ll give a couple of examples:
Back in fall 2017, I was experiencing serious heart problems. I had spent a lot of time at the doctor, and was in pretty bad shape. I was on a 24/7 heart monitor that was continuously sending data back to my doctor and I was given strict orders to rest. This unfortunately happened a week before Stephen’s birthday.
I was so worried about ruining his birthday, I decided that I needed to buy a big, expensive gift to make up for the fact I was sick as well as throw him a large, lavish birthday party. Only problem was, I didn’t have a lot of money left in my bank account after my doctor’s bills. I also wasn’t physically up to hosting any type of party at all.
I disregarded all of that and threw the party anyway. Not only did I cook a large meal for 12 people, I also cleaned our apartment and hung a bunch of decorations (albeit pretty slowly!). I spent the last several hundred dollars in my checking account on an Xbox One X and a few video games to go along with it.
Was Stephen happy? Heck no he wasn’t! I had tried to do what I thought was best for him, and completely disregarded what was best for us. Through my actions, I also caused myself a lot of harm. I was too physically exhausted to participate in the party, and had to sit down for most of it. I was too out of breath to talk very much to our guests. I put myself in financial trouble to buy him an expensive present he didn’t even want. Worst thing was, I was acting selfishly- the gift and the party didn’t come from a place of love, they came from a place of guilt for being ill. I had seriously harmed our relationship through my actions.
I’m not the only one that has gone above and beyond to do something they thought their partner wanted and harmed themselves in the process- Stephen has made the same mistake time and time again!
Through many conversations, we both learned to communicate our wants and needs. Now we decide together what’s best for us and our relationship, and take the appropriate actions!
4. You encourage and push each other to grow.
I’m not about stagnation, and neither is Stephen! We both want to lead impactful, big lives, and we both have helped each other along the path to do so.
One of the best ways we’ve encouraged each other to improve is when we decided to lose weight together.
It’s a common pitfall- meet someone you love, share your favorite restaurants, cook them your favorite meals, and spend many nights under the candlelight whispering sweet nothings. Problem is, when you do all of these things in excess, they’re not conducive to maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
After just 4 months of dating, Stephen and I each put on 30 pounds. (What can I say- we’re Italian! Food is both of our love languages). Through working out we lost a bit of that weight, but several months after my medical issues we gained even more.
Stephen at 207lbs and Shay at 172lbs 
Stephen at 160lbs and Shay at 121lbs
It took months and months of hard work, but we made the commitment to lose the weight together. There were many days when Stephen had to practically drag my lazy butt to the gym, and many days when I had to talk him out of ordering ice cream sandwiches from Postmates.
A great way to encourage this mindset with your partner is to have an honest, open dialogue about both of your goals in life and then discuss how you can support each other. Once you have a great plan, do it!
5. You actually like each other as friends.
This seemed so simple to me I almost forgot to add it to the list, but it’s one of the most important characteristics of a healthy relationship!
Think about other couples you may know. How many of them actually like each other? The happiest of those couples are the ones who aren’t just romantic partners, they’re also friends.
It’s not a good sign when people are only together out of convenience or fear. When I say fear, I don’t necessarily mean fear of physical, financial or emotional harm if you leave- some couples only stay together because one or both people are afraid to be single. Worse, they’re afraid that they can’t find someone better.
Take physical attraction out of the equation- if you wouldn’t be friends with your partner, you shouldn’t be dating them.
Stephen is my best friend. Whenever I want to go try something new, he’s the first person I want to hang out with. We’ve had many ridiculous adventures together- and I wouldn’t want it any other way!
One of our silliest adventures- a onesie dance party! 
When we spontaneously went to a Great Gatsby themed charity gala!
6. You make each other laugh and have inside jokes.
Let’s face it- life is hard! One of the ways I get through it is by laughter. I love making jokes out of everything, and Stephen is one of the funniest and wittiest people I know.
We always make each other laugh, and it makes all of our days a little better. Whenever either of us is having a bad day, we go out of our way to cheer the other person up.
When looking for a life partner, make sure to choose someone who can make your life a bit brighter!
7. Whether you’re sad or happy, you can’t wait to share your life with your partner.
In a healthy relationship, you feel comfortable enough to share both the good and bad moments with your partner.
When something awesome happens, Stephen is the first person I want to share it with. Conversely, whenever I need emotional support or a listening ear, he’s the first person I talk to.
A good partnership means that you can support each other through tough moments and lift each other back up.
Note: This post was originally published on Ciao by Shay on September 18, 2019. It was migrated to Happy Health Stylish upon my blog’s rebranding.